So many things going through my mind!!

Well as I said here comes the post that is way long and over due for me! I am sure by seeing the last one you got the point of what is coming up and the commitment I made that I now have to put my money where my mouth is lol. No more "Eh...I have like 5 months I will be fine and start eventually...." NOPE, it's called I have 10weeks, 70 days and 576hours and that means no time to spare and make excuses. I feel like since I have signed up and known this is a commitment I am making I have remembered it and tried but just not quite fully committed and now is deff. the time. It's kind of like if I don't now it's never going to happen and I feel like I would feel totally terrible obviously if I didn't give it my all! Again I cannot stress enough that it seems far away thinking May just because I have SO many things I have to do before then with school and such but really I know these next two months are gonna fly so it's time.

So not only do I only now have 10 weeks, I also need a new goal to push to and give me the boost to get back to my goal weight. It's hard to admit this and something I hate doing because I like to be the strong person who keeps it together but here goes.....I have lost my moitvation for some time and it's been stinkin HARD to get back on the boat of getting to my lowest weight/goal. It's deff. not something I ever thought I would struggle with because as I was losing the weight and getting down and such it just became a way of life and was so incredible I couldn't ever imagine losing the feeling of wanting to get to my goal and to my smallest but well....a little thing called life kind of got in the way and I think will always do that unless I am fully aware and acknowledging that. Something else I never thought I would say is that maintaining the weight loss is MUCH harder some days that it was to actually lose weight.

It's something that is so hard to explain but those of you who have lost either a big amount or even a small amount and had a long time success it's so hard when you get to that goal to find motivation to stay there because you already conquered it lol! It's like anything else in your life like getting your license or going to your first sleepover, or even your first kiss, things that seem SO big you get there and they are over then boom "What do you do from here!?". That is deff. something I was NOT prepared for and I was not prepared for a life of maintenance. I was SO deprived from so many foods and my old lifestyle and not ready to deal with realizing that yes I had found a solution that lasted for some time BUT....I am still a person who likes to use food as a comfort and that want or need can sneak back at anytime.  One hard thing has been knowing people warned me of this but in the moment of losing it was like "Noooo I will never be tempted to go back to old ways or I will just deal with maintence when I get there and I will love being at my goal so much I won't need to prepare!". Well I mean that did work for all of 2 months and if someone would have told me I was going to go through the most stressful year of my life after a week of hitting my goal weight I might of re thought my timing lol! Thank goodness God only knows our future because it would be WAY too scary to handle all at once.

Long story short I not only look at these next ten weeks as preparation for a race, but a way to get back my motivation to live this amazing life of TOTAL health, not just during the week and eat some crap on the weekends, or give into to the college life of junk food around constantly and free food and staying up till 3am till your starving. I have to discover that yes, while I am on my own now and at college I am different and I have to remember how much work it took to get to this place and that God has me this way for a reason and that I gotta chose to live this life of health. My pediatrician who was with me through all the weight issues and loss told me "You know Kassey, we all have things in our lives we have as our life long struggle, and yours happens to be your weight and letting food be a comfort, but that doesn't mean you can't control it or change it, you just need to be aware of it." What he said has stuck with me for years and is something I believe that many of us need to be aware of is that ok, due to stress or life or bad relationships or just our human tendanices we like to turn to food for more than fuel and once you realize that than you can control the situations around you and the way you use food. SO....ALL that being said it's time for me to admit that and come to terms with it and find that motivation again and do this all 100%. Life and it's circumstances are never going to be consistence but I can be for myself and my health and that is exactly what I am going to do :). God gave me the strength to lose 170lbs before I can surely find the strength to get this 40lbs off to my goal.

My goal is to write each day somehow even just a few words on some days but hopefully more. But as of Feb. 28th (because it's past midnight here) I am taking a vow like I did Dec. 11, 2009 to change my life to now get back to that point of ultimate health to conquer another goal that I KNOW I can do and admit that this is all just a learning process and journey that takes time, and expereince to get to what I want :). Thanks for taking this journey with me and reading what I have to say and hopefully it all comes out making sense lol! I am off to bed before class tomorrow but until tomorrow gnight! Tomorrow the tennis shoes hit the treadmill and I am off runnin ;)!

~Kassandra